Lotta Fuss OVer Nothin'
by arc.black
Summary: A modernized version of Much Ado About Ntohing. Enough said. T for language and a few themes.


Characters in act I and II:

Beatrice: a bossy know-it-all who HATES **Benedick's** guts

Benedick: a distrusting playboy

Leonato: old dude, governor of Messina

Hero: old dude's daughter

Don Pedro: disgustingly saintly do-gooder

Count Claudio: can wield a sword better than he can use his brain

Don John: saint's brother, lives to be gloomy and screw other people's lives up

Borachio and Conrade: evil sidekicks

Act 1, scene 1

Enter Leonato, Hero, Beatrice, and random messenger dude

LEONATO: This letter says that the Prince in coming today to Messina.

MESSENGER: He's really close by here, or at least, he was when I left.

LEONATO: How many people died in the battle?

MESSENGER: Not many, and nobody important.

LEONATO: Cool. I heard a guy called Claudio was given honor by Don Pedro.

MESSENGER: Yeah, he's a real good fighter. He looks like a wimp, but he did OK.

LEONATO: My uncle will be happy.

MESSENGER: Why the hell are you talking about him? Well, anyway, I already gave him his letters. He seemed to be very happy, not that you could tell.

LEONATO: Did he cry?

MESSENGER: Hell, yeah.

LEONATO: That's nice. I guess it's better to cry when you're happy then to be emo!

BEATRICE: Hey, is there a dude called Signior Mountanto with you guys?

MESSENGER: Who the hell is he?

LEONATO: Yeah, what the hell are you talking about?

HERO: She means Signior Benedick of Padua. Funny name.

MESSENGER: Yeah, that cool dude's back.

BEATRICE: Damn it! Well, how many people did he kill? 'Cause I said I'd eat all that he killed.

LEONATO: Don't be so harsh on the dude.

MESSENGER: Yeah, he did good.

BEATRICE: He eats too much.

MESSENGER: Yeah, but he also fights well.

BEATRICE: He's no use to anybody.

MESSENGER: He's stuffed with virtues!

BEATRICE: Freakin' scarecrow.

LEONATO: Uh, don't be offended by her. She and Benedick just like to diss each other.

BEATRICE: I gave him a brain cramp last time we talked. Now he's like almost a freakin' animal. Who's his best friend _now_? He's like a freakin' man – whore.

MESSENGER: gasp _Really?_

BEATRICE: Yeah, he changes clothes less frequently than he changes his friends.

MESSENGER: Well, I guess he's not in your good books.

BEATRICE: Ha ha, I don't know, could you tell? If he were, I would douse my bookshelf with ethanol and light ten matches successively and throw them on there! Pyromania rocks! But, anyways…who's his friend now?

MESSENGER: He hangs out with Claudio nowadays.

BEATRICE: Claudio will get sick and die of Benedick – itis.

MESSENGER: Um, OK. If you say so. Well, see you around!

BEATRICE: Yep, see ya.

LEONATO: You will never be a nutter.

BEATRICE: Not until a hot January. Wait – global warming!

MESSENGER: The Prince dude is coming.

BEATRICE: You think I'm freakin' blind or something?

PRINCE: Dude, most people want to save money. What the hell are you doing here?

LEONATO: …Saying hello to you.

PRINCE: You're too kind.

LEONATO: Not really, because if I refused you hospitality, I'd get my head cut off.

PRINCE: happily ignoring Leonato's last comment I'm not sure, but I think this is your daughter. points at Hero

LEONATO: That's what her mom tells me.

BENEDICK: You had to ask?

LEONATO: No, 'cause YOU were a kid.

PRINCE: Well, she looks like her daddy. You're lucky, girl – you have a cool dude for a daddy.

HERO: (muttering) How old do you think I am, six?

BENEDICK: I don't know about you, but if I were a chick, I wouldn't want to look like my "daddy."

BEATRICE: Uh, nobody cares, loser.

BENEDICK: Oh, look, Little Miss Disdain with a stick up her…you're still alive, then.

BEATRICE: Well, it's impossible that my disdain should die when it's so easy to make fun of YOUR skinny arse! Even the goodiest little two shoes would become a bitch if she came near you.

BENEDICK: Then goody-little-two-shoes are stupid. All the chicks like me except for you. I hope that I'm not cold-hearted or anything, 'cause I don't really like any of them.

BEATRICE: They might have been infected with Benedick – itis too! Thank God you don't like me, because I'd rather hear my rottweiler eat a crow then a guy ask me out.

BENEDICK: I hope you stay that way, most men prefer their faces unscratched, thank you.

BEATRICE: Not even scratching could make your face worse. Have you even considered rhinoplasty?

BENEDICK: You regurgitate the same spew over and over again. Are you trying to teach a parrot to talk?

BEATRICE: My parrot would kick your beastie's ARSE

BENEDICK: Whatever.

BEATRICE: God! You ALWAYS do that!

PRINCE: …And that's it, ladies and gentlemen. Signior Claudio and Signior Benedick; Leonato has invited us to stay. I told him we would stay for, like, a month, and he was like, "I hope you guys stay longer." This guy is, like, for _real_. I mean, what the hell?

LEONATO: Yeah, yeah, it's a pleasure to have you. muttering I like my head, thanks. (to Don John) Um, even though you like, LOST the war giggles to self, I'll be nice to you anyways.

DON JOHN: Thanks.

LEONATO: Since I don't know the way to my own home, would you mind leading the way, your Grace?

PRINCE: Let's hold hands and skip together. Tra la la!

CLAUDIO: Benedick, did you check out Leonato's daughter?

BENEDICK: Well, I saw her.

CLAUDIO: Isn't she HOT?

BENEDICK: Are you asking me from, like, an honest point of view or my women-should-die point of view, as usual?

CLAUDIO: What did you _really_ think of her?

BENEDICK: God! Just answer my question…Anyway. I think that her tan is too orange, she's shorter than a Munchkin, and she's, like, freakin' skinny.

CLAUDIO: Do you think I'm joking? I'm serious here!

BENEDICK: What, are you thinking of buying her or something?

CLAUDIO: Can the world buy such a jewel?

BENEDICK: Yeah, and you can also buy a BOX to put it into. But you can't be serious about this chick.

CLAUDIO: In mine eyes she is the sweetest lady that ever I looked on.

BENEDICK: I don't need specs, and I can see perfectly well that she ain't that hot. But her _cousin_, on the other hand…! whistles Now, that is one HOT chick! If only she wasn't so bitchy. I hope you don't mean to date this girl, or anything.

CLAUDIO: I would scarce trust myself, though I had sworn to the contrary, if Hero would be my wife.

BENEDICK: screams WIFE?!?!?! MARRIAGE??!?!

PRINCE: What are you two gossiping about?

BENEDICK: Now, now, I can't tell you _that_. Force me.

PRINCE: OK. I COMMAND YOU!

BENEDICK: Sure thing, buddy. Here it is: Claudio is in love with Hero.

CLAUDIO: It's true.

PRINCE: Well, if you think she's hot.

CLAUDIO: You don't really mean that.

PRINCE: I swear to God, I spoke my thoughts!

CLAUDIO: And, honestly speaking, so did I.

BENEDICK: And, honest to God, so did I.

CLAUDIO: I think I love her.

PRINCE: I know she's loaded.

BENEDICK: That I don't know how she could be loved or how she could be loaded is my opinion, and nothing can make me say otherwise.

PRINCE: You always diss hot girls.

BENEDICK: Look. I thank my mom, 'cause she gave birth to me and raised me and all that crap. But I don't want to be cheated on – I'm going to help myself by trusting no woman. I will live a bachelor.

PRINCE: I'll see you lovesick before I die.

BENEDICK: NO YOU WON'T! sticks tongue out

PRINCE: We are SO going to gossip about you once you fall in love.

BENEDICK: I'M NOT GOING TO!

PRINCE: Well, as time will try. The young student must carry the backpack.

BENEDICK: The young student may, but if ever I wear it, take the long straps and stick 'em on my forehead, then write, like, with a BBS –

CLAUDIO: A what?

BENEDICK: Shut up and listen! A Big Black Sharpie! Write, "Toyota for rent," and underneath write "Here's Benedick, the married man."

PRINCE: conspiringly to Claudio He'll grow out of it. in the meantime, Sir Benedick, why don't you run off like a good little boy and tell Leonato we'll pig out at his place?

BENEDICK: Fine. See yaz _exit_

CLAUDIO: What am I to do?

PRINCE: I'll help you.

CLAUDIO: I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!

PRINCE: Not more than you love, Hero, though?

CLAUDIO: …Wait, what?


End file.
